Love and Grief: Two Sides of the Same Coin

Hi friend,

How are you doing? Unlike Elmo, I’m aware the answer is probably not great lol. Nevertheless, feel free to let me know by emailing me back.

As for me, I’ve definitely been better. I spent most of Valentine’s Day sobbing and laying in bed while processing so much information about the genocides in Palestine and Congo. Yesterday, wounded people and medical staff were besieged at Nasser hospital in Gaza while Westerners were distracted by flowers and chocolate hearts. In terms of Congo, I came across Pappy Orion’s page where he’s been sharing the circumstances of millions of people that are currently being displaced by attacks by M23 rebels in Masisi and Rutshuru.

I was so angry and heartbroken but there honestly is no other way I would choose to spend Valentine’s Day in this moment. The grief I’m experiencing for people on the other side of the world is the truest expression of love I could feel because the reality is “what is grief, if not love persevering?”

If you had told me a few years ago that a Marvel show about a synthezoid and a witch would’ve have provided me with a mantra to process the deep grief I’m feeling in my personal life and for humanity, I don’t think I would’ve believed you. Yet here we are.

Grief is one of the most universal experiences that humans have and yet we don’t have shared language on how to navigate it, how it relates to love, and why it’s important. So I wanted to share what I’ve learned about grief based on my own life and the work of Leslie Barber, Founder & CEO of Grief Warrior:

1. As already stated, grief is love persevering. Another way to think about it is that, when someone or something dies, our love for them is transformed into grief. Love and grief are two sides of the same coin.

2. I believe the depth of love you’re able to experience is directly correlated to the depth of grief you’re willing to experience. To love something or someone is, in part, to know how fleeting and impermanent your connection to and the existence of that person or thing is.

3. Grief is experienced in waves, not stages. There are some days where the waves of grief are small and barely nudge you as you stand along the shore. Then there are some waves that are large and threaten to sweep you out into sea. Therefore, grief is an ongoing process. It’s not just something that you get through once and it’s done.

4. Lastly, grief is a portal to awakening and transformation. Now don’t get me wrong, crying until I feel dehydrated is never super fun. However, when I am brave enough to sit with my own grief, whether it’s about a lost loved one, a shift in a relationship, or a global event, I’m always transformed by it. Whether it makes me want to love a bit harder, be more present with people, or propels me to action, grief is transformative. Allowing my heart to break and holding space for that heartbreak is transformative. It may not be as marketable or monetizable as teddy bears and heart-shaped chocolate but it is just as beautiful and worthy of my attention.

Whether you chose to share your thoughts with someone or not, I invite you to spend some time thinking about your relationship to grief. What has it taught you? How has it changed how you experience of love? How can you make space to see your grief as a form of love persevering? How can you make space to connect with the collective grief so many of us are experiencing for our siblings in Palestine, Congo, Sudan, Tigray and so many other parts of the world, and see it as a deep deep form of our collective love for humanity persevering?

Thanks for reading.

With love,

Paula